Help! I’m jealous my child loves our nanny more than me. Why it’s not time yet to give up on Mary Poppins.

The UAE is well-known for its nanny culture – but sometime it is not all Mary Poppins.

Expat parents often live far away from their own families, and nannies or domestic helpers provide valuable support, filling in the crucial childcare gap that might otherwise be mopped up by grandparents or other relatives were parents to be based in their home countries. It’s estimated that there are around 750,000 nannies working in the UAE, caring for almost 95% of the country’s children for an average of 55 hours per week, according to 2017 figures gathered by migrant-banking platform Rise.

But, with such a heavy reliance on the services of nannies, it is perhaps not too uncommon to come across the situation that one Dubai-based mother faced in her anonymous post:

“I’m a full-time working mum to a three-year-old son who I’m starting to worry prefers his nanny to me. He only goes to nursery a few mornings a week, so he’s with the nanny most of the time, and I think this has led him to become more attached to her than he is to me.”

“When I come home in the evenings he clings to our helper, and he cries and calls out for her at bedtime too, which makes me feel awful and like I’m a terrible mother.”

“I bring him treats when I can and I try my best to spend ‘quality time’ with him, but I’ve recently had to return to the office full-time, so it’s become even harder to achieve.”

“What I want to know is if this is normal? Will it pass? Or could this potentially damage our relationship long-term? I know he’s only a small child, but the way he dismisses me in favour of our helper is really starting to upset me and shaking my confidence as a parent.”

We spoke to UAE child development and positive psychology experts for their advice…

It is normal for children to prefer one caregiver over another

Dr Ola Ahmed, Consultant Clinical Psychologist, Priory Wellbeing Centre, Abu Dhabi, says:

“It is not uncommon for parents to report that their child appears to favour a particular caregiver. This might be the other parent, a grandparent, or a nanny. While this kind of favouritism can be a concern for parents, it is both common and developmentally normal, particularly amongst toddlers and preschool-aged children. Children who show this kind of favouritism are likely to be spending more time with a particular caregiver, usually as part of important daily routines (e.g. meals, baths, and bedtime). The child may seek out this caregiver more often or become more upset when separated from them.”

Sarah Babiker, positive psychology coach and founder of A Life Beyond Motherhood’s ‘More Than a Mother’ programme, agrees:

“I have seen a lot of posts like this on mums’ social media groups that are based in Dubai. The first thing I would say is that there is a difference between love and familiarity. Of course, it is entirely possible and beautiful for love to develop between any caregiver and the child in their care, but the comparison between the level of love isn’t one that is founded on anything measurable. If we break it down, love is not something that can be tangibly measured.  What they might be seeing is that a child is more familiar with a nanny because they are more familiar with them, having spent longer amounts of time with them.  The next thing I would want to talk to the parents about is what they think this perceived ‘less love’ means about them.  Most of the time, the parents will be interpreting it as a reflection of their worth as parents, or how well (or not well) they are fulfilling their roles, and that can be painful to confront.”

Try to redress the balance (but don’t use bribes)

Dr Ola Ahmed, Consultant Clinical Psychologist, Priory Wellbeing Centre, Abu Dhabi, says:

“While this behaviour is not uncommon amongst young children, parents and caregivers should still consider how they may address this imbalance to ensure that they all have the opportunity to develop a healthy relationship with the child. Parents might consider dividing up caregiving responsibilities differently to ensure that all caregivers participate actively in the child’s daily routines. Finding time to build a connection with the child through play and other engaging activities is also key.

“Parents who feel less favoured by their child may be inclined to make certain parenting decisions to please or win the favour of the child, which can often be unhelpful. Instead, consider how all caregivers can build more consistency between them in their parenting styles towards the child i.e. the balance between being emotional responsive and setting appropriate boundaries and limits for behaviour.”

Understand that children can attach to more than one caregiver

It is important to understand that children can develop a secure attachment to numerous caregivers simultaneously, says Dr Ahmed:

“Having an additional caregiver in the home (including a nanny) can be a wonderful opportunity to increase the level of responsiveness and encouragement that your child experiences on a regular basis. It should be noted that a secure attachment with one caregiver does not guarantee a secure attachment with all caregivers. This will come down to the quality of the unique bond between each individual caregiver and the child.”

Self-reflect on why you feel threatened

Parents who feel unsure about their own connection with their child should reflect on the source of this concern, says The Priory’s Dr Ola Ahmed:

“Are they feeling the need to spend more quality-time with their child? Are they feeling that their own interactions with their child can be more responsive? Are they just seeking to strengthen their bond with their child and unsure how to achieve this? In most cases, discussing these concerns with the child’s other caregivers is a helpful starting point.”

Sarah Babiker also encourages parents to look inwards:

“In a situation where a parent feels threatened, they are projecting outwards. The most effective and positive thing they can do is to pull back in. Really make the time to sit and think about what your values are as a parent and as a family. Once you know what those values are – the things that really matter to you – it becomes much easier to align your family choices to those values.”

“So, for example, if you come home from work and your child prefers to stay close to their nanny over coming to give you a hug, pause and reflect. What does this really mean? It doesn’t mean that you aren’t worthy as a parent, or that you’re doing a bad job. It most likely means that your child is used to being in close proximity to the nanny and children need that secure attachment.”

“Then you can ask yourself which values feel threatened by the situation. Perhaps quality family time is one of those values. In that case, you would make decisions that align with that value by, for example, having a conversation with your nanny about her/ him taking a break when you come home from work so that you get that one-to-one time with your child.

“It could mean speaking with your child about this and incorporating this time into their routine.  You will know what works best for your family, but the most fundamental things are to come back inwards and assess what’s really going on for you under the surface when you feel threatened or not as loved by your child.”

How to form a secure attachment with your child

Dr Ola Ahmed, Consultant Clinical Psychologist, Priory Wellbeing Centre, Abu Dhabi, explains Attachment Theory and how parents can use it to form a healthy bond with their children. 

The term ‘attachment’ is used to refer to different things in the world of child development and parenting. In fact, there is a specific parenting approach referred to as ‘attachment-parenting’ (which emphasises the importance of certain parenting practices, such as co-sleeping). However, when researchers and developmentalists talk about ‘attachment’, they are referring to the concepts and practices that have been drawn from attachment theory. Attachment theory, which has grown out of decades of scientific research with children and their families states that healthy child development requires the formation of a strong and trusting emotional bond between a child and their caregiver. This emotional bond then supports a child’s ability to manage their own emotions and allows them to confidently explore and learn from their environment with the knowledge that their caregiver will be there when they need them. These are the defining characteristics of what we refer to as a ‘secure attachment’ style.

While attachment theory was initially developed by studying mother-child relationships, we now know that this kind of secure attachment can also be formed with various caregivers including fathers, older siblings, and nannies. We also know that a secure attachment style is a significant predictor of a child’s emotional and social wellbeing. It is for this reason that many early intervention programs target parent-child attachment as a means of improving developmental and mental health outcomes in children.

What does secure attachment look like? While the answer to this depends heavily upon the child’s developmental stage, there are several broad markers of secure attachment. When a secure attachment has developed, a caregiver is generally able to soothe the child when they are distressed; positive back-and-forth interactions are common between the child and the caregiver; the child has a clear bond with the caregiver but seeks out relationships with others; the child feels confident to move away from the caregiver to explore and learn; and the child seeks out their caregiver when they need support.

Developing and maintaining a secure attachment with your child requires sensitivity to your child’s needs. This sensitivity means that parents can offer comfort and support when it is needed and encourage independence and exploration when appropriate. It is unrealistic for parents to expect themselves to be completely responsive to their child’s needs at all times. Small ruptures to the parent-child bond will inevitably occur from time to time when parents misjudge a child’s need for support vs independence in any moment. The attachment literature tells us that the security of the attachment bond is unlikely to change if these small ruptures are recognised and remedied on a regular basis. The goal is to keep your relationship with your child safe, secure, and responsive overall.

Understanding and addressing possible attachment problems often requires the input of trained professionals. This is because many other factors can explain why you may not see particular markers of secure attachment in your relationship with your child. If you are concerned about your bond with your child, it can be useful to consult a child development professional. Parents are often reassured to learn that insecure attachment styles can be changed many years into a child’s life with the right intervention and support.

Bottom Line? The SchoolsCompared View 2022

https://youtu.be/-3jsfXDZLIY

This is the first in a series of articles on Nannies in the UAE being published in the coming weeks.

The common theme throughout is that we do not think it is worth giving up on believing in Mary Poppins just yet. Of course it hurts when our children call for their Nanny rather than their Mum, or Dad. But children have an extraordinary and infinite capacity to love, and that is a surely a good thing. As we grow older and the roubles of the world close in, we forget the magical innocence of childhood that believes in the very best of people, nannies included.

Many parents face similar worries with their own parents when children ask for their grandparents. Similar issues too are faced in separated families when children come home extolling the virtues of another parent who has usually spoiled them on a day out. Our children in all these cases do not love us less, far from it!

Being a parent is never easy – and there are no manuals. Many of us could not give the lives we do to our children if we could not work and have the support of a Nanny. We are putting our children first. And of course they will love their Nanny – and it is important that they do – the last thing we want is for them to spend time with someone who frightens them!

The bigger picture is, of course, the endless worries we face as parents every day.  Worries that come thick and fast of whether we are, in what we do, as good a parent as we can possible be.

Should we spend more time with our children? Are we caring for them enough? Should they be learning more quickly? Are they happy? All these worries surely come with precisely being a good parent – aspiring for the very best for our child.

We think, in even asking the questions, we almost certainly are. It is time to cut ourselves some slack. And yes, cut our wonderful nannies, including our very own Mary Poppins, some too.

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